New Year...not so new me.
So, the new year is supposed to be this time of metamorphosis where we all blossom or whatever and become our best selves. That's never been my exact experience but I still hold onto hope that 2021 will be better than 2020.
Maybe it's the fact that 2020 sucked so bad or the fact that I have literally nothing going for me currently but I have a feeling that I'll be more productive this year.
I didn't exactly start off on the right foot, still sleeping in, crazy dreams as always, and avoiding human interaction as much as possible.
I'm starting to feel a depression coming on but maybe that's just me being over all this socialization and expectation. However, my room is a mess and that's usually a sign that I'm about to crawl into my brain and hang out there for a little while.
I can't dissociate from reality as well as a used to (thanks therapy!) but it's still possible to some extent and that's where I want to be right now, checked out, head in the clouds, in an alternate universe.
As a kid I used to have characters I'd pretend to be as I lived my daily life to distance myself, but now I think I'm getting more of the full effect of life as it washes over me, or under me, or around me, or through me...
My head feels like it's full of static, not exactly a physical feeling, not exactly an emotion. It's hard to explain, but if you've ever felt it you know how all you want to do is escape and numb out.
For now I'm going to watch movies, read, play games... try to numb out in the least self-destructive way possible.
Here's to the new year,
R.
